the best roadtrip of my life

It seems like last year i was having so much more fun than ive had this year. The main reason for this was being on the greatest roadtrip of my life thus far. So in the style of Jackie Keroauc Im going to try and write about a year after it happend.

It all happend because Ratty decided to buy a transit van off some jakey and hit the road. The transit was getting on a bit and was cosmetically ropey but its heart was strong and reliable. The thing was bought for a little under a grand off some crackerjack who used it for transporting bouncy castles and before him it looked like a farmer or builder had it due to the amount of gravel and straw we found under the plywood in the back. The deal was done in typical gypsy style, spitting on the handshake and throwing in a dog. After a quick A-team modify the van montage the tranny had 3 layers of plush carpet, a bean bag and some sort of bicycle/sleeping/luggage shelf. A loose roadtrip plan was then masterminded. Ratty, Jim, Carmine and DazE start in Newcastle, Go to Hereford to get Rob, cross the channel at Dover over to Calais, go South a bit, here and there, East a bit, north a bit, Berlin and then finish off in Rotterdam. Sorted.

We high tailed it down to Hereford. I remember getting stuck in a massive traffic jam for a few hours. Usually traffic jams piss people off but Ive always enjoyed them. There is nothing better than getting out of you car and just hanging out on the grid locked motorway having a bit of craic with the cars next to you. The Italian job Turin at a standstill, self preservation soceity, Choir boys gambling, Sleezes getting a slap around the chops. Deck chairs out and knock up a few butties, play music loud, sing along badly, maybe talk to a truck driver and get a crate of illegal energy drink called ‘bad dog’. Its all good but we were behing our not really that planned schedule. We were going to miss the cider festival that would be kicking off while we were still on the road. After ages within the backroad of hereford we arrived at robs house. His mother took us all in and got us fed and watered. Rob was AWOL and under the influence of local cider. Mrs Price told us some great stories of hitchiking the whole of europe and getting a pervy taxi driver beaten up back in her day. The roadtrip baton was passed to rob when he finally surfaced from the drink. Sleep…….. Wake up, Weetabix, fanny on for a bit while rob fills the worlds biggest bag with snorkels and flippers. get back on the road to Dover.

We hit the boat to the foreign shore. We were hot on the heels of the tour de france which had just had its london stage. I managed to lose my bank card when a tesco cash machine just decided that it was no longer in working order while i was using it. When technology breaks hitting it is usally the best policy. After a few sharp blows the manager was out complaining about the noise. He was fuck all help maybe I should have clocked him a couple of times. No matter Ive got a back up card that i never use, whats the pin again??? I wrote down the 4 most likely pins that sprung to mind. Next cash point driver! I was 3 into the list and had to stop before i lost that fucker as well. Ring the bank to sort out a new pin. Itll be with my mother in a week. Oh well, no more money for a week, just like biggie “when its time to eat a meal i rob and steal”. Turns out it was the 4th on the list. what are the chances?

So we are over the channel and in a different world. France, Its hotter than a mother fucker. I forget where we slept but coming to think about it we did it in a real awkward style. We hadn’t learnt how to sleep with everyone in the van yet. We went to Lille. The first few days revolved around finding a place to swim, riding a bit and then driving to a new city and getting pissed. repeat the next day. Swimming has to be the greatest thing to do on a roadtrip. Cools you off, might see some chicks, gets rid of all kinds of smells and even chefs arse.

“Everbeen to Luxembourg?” “No.” “Lets go there then!”

After Lille we went to Luxembourg. A place that is only known for having a casino and where the super rich go. We get there late and cruise around the city. Everyone is totally buzzing and Daz E is telling funny stories about chris souters dad. Tears are flowing. The best place we can find to park is right next to an old fashioned circus. why not, we’ll never get a parking ticket next to these lot, they will think we are carnies. Its probably a week night and its late and the streets are quiet. Its perfect to go and get a few drinks in and explore the place. We mission about the place getting more drunk as we go. head up to some eternal flame to talk check it out and find some like minded revellers. The polis show up and we do one. are we tramps or new age travellers? cant decide.

We wake up. im across the front seat and everyone else is in the back. The sleeping arrangements are sorted for the rest of the trip. Use a builders port-a-loo to take a shit in, a recurring theme of the trip when you needed to drop one. I remember seeing a massive tramps shit on the path a bit later on. Couldnt quite get over its size. We rode a bit today, checked some sites and then hit Strasbourg.

So we gan to Strasbourg next. Seemed like a good idea at the time. Turned out to be a pretty nice little gaff. Weird blend of old cathedrals and industrial zones. We got there late again and did the same as we did in Lux, got pissed and went for a mooch. Ithink the night life was more jumping here than it was in luxembourg. I think we even hit an irish bar? Irish bars on the whole always seem like a waste of time but what the hell, those lads love a drink. This crazy cathedral type thing that they have in strasbourg has a wild light show every so often during the night. We were all long gone by the time it started and took to our backs on the cobbles to view the event. At first the euro types dismissed us as ’stupid drunk english boys’ but after a while they all came round to our thinking and the whole crowd were on their backs enjoying the show. Victory! The next day we went for a peddle and a bit of a shop. Jim did a wallride that im pretty sure was in a magazine a bit later by someone else?

Geneva was next. I think? My memory is pretty hazy??? Either way geneva was great in my book. As soon as we rolled into town we were greeted by the gnarliest looking riot squad I have ever seen. Fully kitted up to take on the g8 summit crowd, Robocop style body armour, riot shields, mean as hell. Apparantly they were turfing out some legendary squat that weekend and every sweaty in europe was turning up in protest. One look at the clip of us and we were taken for squatters. Not only did we fool the police into thinking that but also some actual squatters who were getting their collars felt. they threw up their horns and gave us a roack and roll. “Verr are your papers” “squatters, same word in english?” “Where you sleep tonight?” The Po Po went through our stuff, checked some brief and after a cock and bull story from rob about where we were going to sleep they let us get on our merry way. I loved Geneva. Its like part swiss bankers and part crazy bastards. Went to some crazy hippy/graf/raggae zone that was amazing. the best skate shop ive ever been in, actually the best shop full stop. crazy ramps outside, wild dogs, graf all over. The guy in the shop said we should check out montreaux jazz festival while we were there. We were a day late and a dollar short for the beastie boys. At the other skate park we met some chill dudes who told us what the national service is like.

So we went down to Montreaux after the skate shop dudes tip off. Its actually a pretty big event and Im sure ive seen a best of compilation cd on qvc. We’d missed the beastie boys but no matter, there was still a party going on. We parked up on the side of the raod like 5 miles out of town and had to walk in. When we got in we got drunk and just went with the flow. crowds of people all over. we went to some club. i can barely remember a thing about the whole night apart from getting chased off some security gurd for taking a piss in a bush. Me and Daz e didnt make the full trip back and ended up asleep on an artificial beach which was made of concrete? we were all for trying to get into a yacht to sleep but had no joy. it was the worst of times but after a final push we marched home to the van. The whole van awoke to the worst hang over ever. To cure it the only answer was to get in lake geneva and wallow for a few hours. That did the job and no mistake. I proclaim lake geneva as the ultimate in hang over cures. I think a group lake poop happend and we watched them sail off into the distance. Some time later or before this we locked the keys in the van outside of a hotel. Everyone assumed we were in a band with our rock and roll swagger. We fannied on a bit like a bunch of idiots and then jim came good and got the keys out with a piece of wood and a coat hanger. Montreaux also has a sweet Freddie Mercury statue!

Bern was fucking great! The best river to swim in ever. It had a huge field where all the local hot joints and boy-o’s chill and then a river you can walk into and get swept along with the current. The water tastes of evian and is the ultimate in relaxation. Best place EVER! I would love to go back 100% Cant remember what the hell we did in Stuttgart apart from eating at this german greggs style place that had these mini pizzas that were excellent.

Hamburg city is another place i cant really remember very well. I remember riding some of the classic spots from the dragonfly videos of old. but apart from that? we saw a rad airbrush place. Ithink Leipzig is around there. That was a right muggy gaff. However its not all bad. the below photo you can see rat man using the superb device my mother got me before i left. Its like a swiss army knife but for eating. Its got everything you need, knife, fork, spoon, tea spoon, cork screw and even some spike thingy. Iremeber laughing in my mothers face when she got me it. I thought it would be useless but how little did i know. everyone was fighting for this thing 24/7. my mother is a genius! i think it was from aldi

We headed off to Berlin and stayed outside the front of ross paynes gaff. We were there about a week and that was a week of everyday a lamachun, panorama, top floor tower block super clubs, artifical beaches, arty farty places, swimming with naked germans, jumping out of trees, projectile vomiting outside 8mm, eine weiss bier bitter, drinking with the blue man group, your not form hexham come into the light and let me see ya, sternburger beer, 20cents back, hanging with jakey bastards on the stoop, good times, van pissing its brake fluid, icelandic chicks that know bjork. Alot of this madness cant even be put into words.

We said fare well to Berlin and did a mish to Rotterdam. Some how Ratty knows Rutger and he was kind enough to let us stay at his. Rutger is a great dude! He takes sick photos for redbull and let a load of strangers stay in his house for nothing. BMX is really crazy sometimes. Cant thank him enough for letting us crash. Rotterdam is a pretty cool place. Has cool places to ride, wild architecture and best of all jackie chan has filmed a stunt there. While we were there there was a carnival and the world series of skating. What are the chances? The carnival was alright but the world series of skating after parties were amazing! It figures in my top 5 parties ever. Where to begin? We turned up at this bar one night by accident i think and it just turned out there was a wild party going on. We kind of bumped into these dudes who were just like us but dutch. they were drinking from vases and all wore blagged von zipper glasses. we were kindred spirits and we partied together as hard as possible. After the beer vase was full a ” SKULL ITTTTTTTTTT!” cry would be heard and would have to be obeyed. Eventually the vase got smashed. We were smashed. Tom Penny was there!

The next day the world series of skating finished. we blagged our way in and stole some t shirts. We heard about the next party that was happening at some club and the tickets were 20euros. No one fancied that tariff and someone had the bright idea of forging the vip arm band. With the help of Roy (another top rotterdam dude and excellent forger) we all had the vip passes. All it took was a bit of photoshop, a printer and striding in like the cock of the walk. This party was also good but not as good as the night b4. The vip promises of free drinks all night and strippers was not fulfilled to my satisfaction. either way it was still good. On the way home i started up a steam roller but thankfully used my brain and shut it down before i crushed the city. and what a city it is, awesome fizzy pop, great frozen pizza and vending machines the size of a house. Ratty crushed a womans car in the beast. A little while later I left the boy0s and went home the journey was over. When the rat got back a few weeks later he even sold the van for pretty much what he paid for it. You cant afford not to go on a trip like this! Thinking about it now brings a tear to me eye, me japs eye.

oh i. all these flicks are on a flickr if you wanna see a few more and see these a bit bigger and that.