my bike a mourning star
It’s that time of year again when the gypo pikey carni folk are in town. They’ve set up shop on the town moor as usual with a menagerie of miami’s, ghost trains,m air brushed rigs, candy floss stands and big wheels. The gypo’s are good lads though in my book. Tax free lifestyle. Driving sick cars with no license. Looking after their ma’s. A blatant disregard for laws and red tape. Whats not to love about them. I’ve no worries about them wanting to steal my bike or generally just cause shit. Its not their style, they dont have to, they probably make more money this week than most do all year. However the hoppings draws out every radge cunt in the north east in their droves. Ten pills, 3 litres of bella brusco, candy floss and a shot of the waltzer brings out the worst in them. The cowie jawed stagger home usually goes right past Exi park and is a perfect ground for starting shit with hippy goffic bmxers and skaters. Thats why you need some Street smarts. how to fight at the skatepark. If you can avoid exi park all this week especially in the evening. Most of the polis are at the hoppings anyway so its the perfect time for streetin it. If you are a hardcore park dog and cant bear to ride street make sure your rolling deep. The radge cunts rolll deeeeeep. A few years back I took a beating off 8 of em. It was pretty sour but I didnt get my bike knicked and I did kick one of them in the bollocks pretty hard.
“Here meeeeartt yee got a tab for us like?”
“no”
“Yee giving me cheek like ya little dafty”
“no”
“Well I ya fukkin waxa yer cheekin us man do yeeeee nar who me uncle is like ”
Radge cunt with entourage will probably now make an assault. The best policy could be the pre emptive strike? As soon as anyone asks for a tab, shoot a jab, ask questions later. Next up you’ve got a bike so launch it off the cunt if you can. If you going to help someone out launching your bike into the bowl is another good idea. This will stop it getting stolen as radge packets cant scale trannies, a well known fact. Stand your fukkin ground on mass and defend what is yours, the park has fuck all cctv so get medieval on these mother fuckers. If your circled by a group of them grab your bike by the bars and spin in a circle screaming a war cry. The flailing bike will destroy anything within its vortex. When it comes to using your bike as a weapon the heavier and the more pegs it has the better. If the enemy is standing close to some coping a suprise flyout to collarbone sprocket stall should do the trick. Once grounded spin your back tyre really fast and leave a tyremark on his face. Bite the coping shit bag, ice pick stall to the head. Dump the body in victoria tunnels. If all that fails, which it wont, just sling a few digs and do one! Hit them where it hurts though, rip their lacoste track piece, steal their wallet, drink, pills or The ultimate trophy one of their rock sports! Getting beat up by a hippy is the ultimate humiliation for a radgeeee so dont be scared to sling a punch.
E.Z.WANK.MAG
Get to WH Smith’s to check out the newest Front. Not only is it a great easy wank mag but Rob/Rupert/RobbieGenius is only on the take a picture of your mate wankered page. The fact that he lost out on the xbox to a bloke barfing into a sink on the opposite page is an outrage. Spray paint my firends, spray paint. You’ve got to put in work to get that off. Either way Font is alot different than it used to be. When I was 15 it was all about the ability to see coronation street babes’ fannies. Now its gothics and that. sweet!
bmx practical jokes
everyone knows one of the best jokes you can buy from a shop is the cock that springs out of a jar of mustard but is the hitler sprocket the best bmx practical jokle available?
station_sarnie_bin
This was the other summer (photo off hmans flickr) taken at Dove ledge (best ledge in town). The jist of it goes like this. Someone had sussed that ‘upper crust’ had a policy to chuck out all their sarnies once they had been on the shelf for a few hours. Said person had also sussed that they went into a see through plastic bag with nothing else, just pure sandwhich and bread. The bag was left behind ‘upper crusts’ muggy little gaff and eventually carted off and thrown over a fence to the bin area. After a hard days ride it wasnt unusual to make a stop at the train station to see what we could get. A see through bin liners full of sarnies for the lads was righteous. On this day I remember more baguettes than a mother fucker. I also remember ratty riding straight into a lamp post with a baguette in each hand. Without 2 baguettes that could have been very hard to swallow.
fuck-a-bmxer
Bmx ers are better lovers? it must be true it says it on vice.
http://www.viceland.com/wp/2009/02/things-boys-did-that-two-people-in-our-office-thought-was-cute/
“Being a BMXer, unironically. BMXers are better than skateboarders at fucking and that’s a fact. And not just because most skateboarders are twelve.”
anonymous hater: BMXers have NEVER been better than skaters – also a late twenty something on BMX is totally depressing. NO NO NO NO.
comment by total babe: Bmxers are more niche, so i’d fuck them to be honest
I’d bang a BMXer like a tin fucking drum anyday.I’d ruin them.xxx
going_undergound
After a crap night on the beer i had my heart set on chirping me sel’ up by finding the entrance to a tunnel/dis used air raid shelter.
pret a blag pt2
Before i tell you another way to get a free sandwhich i just want to cicrculate a few rumours about TommyBrights video, dry spell. it is on its way to completion, after dropping the baton for a while tom bright is back on top form clocking mad footage. chris lee’s ender is RIDICULOUS! Jim snapped a photo that i hope will grace the pages of a bmx magazine in the not so distant future. I’d post a photo of the gap but it might spoil the suprise. It’s the size of a house and involves a sketchy run up, a gap over a medeval spiked rail, a house size drop, to blow out your front tyre landing and give yourself a bleeding nose from whacking it off the cross bar, pulled! Scotty T is going to have WAR as his song?
anyroad, those pret lads love to dish out free food! send an e-mail along these lines
“hello
i recently got given the pret a manger book from my mother. i enjoyed it alot but when i looked to see if my free sandwhich token was in the back it had been ripped out. i asked my mother if she had it and she said it must have taken before she bought it from the book shop. would it be possible to receive one from you? as so far the book shop have been very little help.”
hopefully you’ll get a reply like this and a present in the post!
“Thank you for your email.
I am really sorry to hear your book was missing the free sandwich voucher, and that the book shop it was purchased from had been less then helpful. I would be more then happy to send you a voucher so you can have a sandwich on us. Please send me your postal address and I will arrange for one to be sent to you as soon as possible.
Kind regards
Customer Service/Delivery”
customer service like this is too good to be true. they might cotton on eventually but i doubt it. everyone go wild!
i dont know what to do for the next blag? ripping off greggs on northumberland street, free coffee in hsbc, getting a sandwhich from upper crusts see through bin liner in the train station when they have been on the shelf for too long, there are so many. at the moment the im into trying to get some more email voucher scams on the go.
pret-a-blag
Just like when you find a good spot sometimes you have to keep a lid on it to make sure it doesn’t get blown up. Too many jokers turn up and the security turn up the heat. Just like Charlie the shits Busted. This blag has been going for over a year and has brought me many tasty sandwichs for nothing. A free sandwich is a beautiful thing. Especially if its RRP is £3.50 or more and is made from fairly choice ingredients.
The Pret-A-Mange Sandwich blag is easy to perform. Step 1. you need to find a book shop that sells the Pret-A-Mange sandwich book. There used to be a lot more of these on the shelves about a year ago. Waterstones is your best bet. If your in Newcastle city centre you might not be lucky enough to find one. This source is mos def nearly all dry due to the hunger. Cast your net further afield. Once you’ve located the book head to the back page where there is a coupon to tear out. Pretend your reading it, Fold the perforated line a bit, bosh it out, in the pocket, out you go. The coupon is incredible. Free sandwich from any Pret in the whole world! hungry and skint in a foreign port, this is your answer. And that shits a proper shirt and tie sandwich, Gregg’s it ain’t. topside of beeef, daaaaaaaaamn. Newcastle has 3 prets in about 200 metres so multiple token useage isnt a problem. Look at his eyes, handing over the free sandwich pains him so deeply. unlucky son.
If you’ve got the brass neck I would like you to go into a pretamange and take the token from right under their noses. The shops always have a million copies of this fucker. Newcastle city centre, this might be your only option. Bold as brass……..
here come the Hot Steppppahhh. MURDERER!!!!!!!!
pabl0_tesc0bar
In this day and age you have to save where you can. Its all profit. Here is a pretty fool proof way to steal magazines from tesco(or any other supermarche). To pull off the scam you will first need to get a trolley and be on your way to do the weekly big shop. make sure its a deep trolley. fill the trolley with a few of the choicest free literary items. autofreeway is the classic or the stores discount mag. then hit the magazine section and stick whatever you want in the trolley. jazz mag, bluemag or autotrader, the world is your lobster. we went for ‘whats on tv’, a true classic of the genre. see fig 1. you may turn your nose up at the 45p street value but this steal wasnt for sport, it was strictly for survival purposes. Obscure your magazine with the free literature. see fig 2. load up the big shop and proceed to the checkout. see fig 3. unload your shopping which unfortunately you will be paying for (apart from the cashews in your pocket) but the leave the ‘whats on tv’ and free literature in the bottom of the trolley. Obscured by the free literature the checkout operator will be oblivious to the crime, as will any have a go hero. A classic little left hand style manoeuvre. The check out operator will also have had the psychological wool pulled over their eyes, you are paying for stuff, not stealing. see fig 4. pay. leave. 45p. chalk it up. its all profit. if challanged say you forgot it was there, tell the bloke you dont like his tone and are taking you business elsewhere. good day to you.
Shoplifting, a victimless crime.
